Submissions and Stage-5 Clinger Signs: Great way to start a week, eh?

A word from our sponsors:

I want to talk to you Scoundrels about submissions. Lately, Sport and I have been pretty much churning out topics for you to sink your agreeable, sometimes judgmental, opinionated, which we all love teeth into. But we haven’t been receiving many submissions from you. WTF? Do you feel your 30s experience doesn’t merit our welcoming eyes? Are you just too good to share how awesome and fucked up your 30s are?  We started this blog tocreate a community for all of us nearing that threshold of 30s, navigating this 30s labyrinth, and even those of us that have reached the 30s dénouement (God rest their souls). Now, armed with this new-found awareness what are you going to do with it? If the answer is submit your tales of debaucherous sex, child-rearing, relationships, career, traveling (you get the idea), then you just won the secret prize. Ahem, if I told you, then it wouldn’t be secret, now would it? Sooooo, what will we do? SUBMIT POSTS! When will we do it? NOW! Just send them over to talkthirtytome@gmail.com.

CFP! Help!

[tweetmeme source=”talkthirtytome” only_single=false]

Dearest CFP,

The Var and I have found ourselves in a bit of a pickle.

We submitted a spark for Ignite Denver 7 to talk for 5 minutes about Talk Thirty To Me. Then we realized that we didn’t know what the hell we’re doing. We need confidence, direction and most importantly, the sage advice of CFP.

Help!

XOXO,

Sport and TheVar

Hey!

I thought I told you never to email me agai… oh…OH HEY! My bad… I thought you were Kirk Montgomery.

I gotta be honest with you guys, I have no idea what the fuck Ignite Denver is or if I’d like to be associated with it. Ignite Denver sounds like a mile-high chlamydia epidemic and frankly the last thing I need is a burning sensation when I pee. Who’s running this thing? Are we getting paid? Ask them if they need a web developer. This fucking economy is killing me.

Whoa.. what the fu… 5 fucking minutes?! Go to hell!

P.S. – Seriously though, ask them if they need a web developer.

-CFP

Our Most Gracious Thank You

Wow! Sara and I are chillaxing at our graphic designer friend’s house in total nostalgia.  I can’t believe it’s been a month already. How about you, Sara?

Sara: Right, and a helluva month at that! Thanks to our readers we’ve begun talking about things that really matter. We’ve begun to build a community. And thanks to our contributors, we’ve found that we’re not alone  in our struggle to navigate our 30s.

LeVar: Sara, do you remember that first post? GC33, what a brave soul you were. I <3 your face. Then we got the woman’s perspective on expectations from Kelly. I just wanna keep her in my pocket to give her x’s and o’s all day long.

Sara: It sure was nice to know that we weren’t alone in our questions.

And do you remember Alison’s moment where at her sister’s high school graduation, she realized that she was old enough to be her mother? Or when the Professor shared what it was like to be leaving his 30s? Or what it’s like for Lorrie as a mom in her 30s.

Or me, entering my 30s. All in the last month. Whew.

LeVar: Yes, yes, yes, and yes. I’m still in awe over Ryan and his commitment to not drinking. Oh, and we will definitely never forget about Party Girl. Can I just live in her shoes for a week I’m sure my legs would look great in her 5 inch heels and a mini dress.

ED, you can unleash that 16 year old anytime you want. *wink*  Adam…”I can still party like I’m 21, but for the two day hangover.” Let’s just say Sara’s 30th last weekend has got to be a testament to that.

Sara: So true! So very true. Thanks for the warning Adam, sorry I didn’t heed it.

LeVar: I don’t know. In all this rambling what we’re trying to say is that we are deeply grateful and overjoyed by all of you and the unconditional support from great friends, talented contributors and this fearless community.

Sara: So thank you, readers. Thank you contributors. Thank you Var for crafting and curating this blog with me.  We had over 3000 unique viewers this past month. Let’s see what we can do from here on out.

All My Single Ladies…

By Sara Downey
Blogger of meanest look

Ladies, ladies, ladies. Now put your hands up and stop. You are out of control.

*in a super whiny voice*: If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it…

That song. Ugh. Girls, forget every bit of women’s lib you think that song is telling you. Stop acting crazy. With yesterday’s post about men and dating, it was only fair that I’d call out my girls today. 

The thing is, we’re awesome and attractive until we start living that song. Then we’re walking nag machines. We turn ourselves into the most unattractive monsters imaginable.

Independence is great, but you need to tame that shit. Let a man be a man. It’s not about being superior or constantly in control to impress your date. He’s already out with you. He likes you. Just be in the moment and enjoy.

It’s true what they say: we all know he wants a freak in the bedroom and a lady on the street. Ladies, your job is to know where to draw the line. Set the pace. This doesn’t mean to be a skankzilla when you meet his folks. It also doesn’t mean you shouldn’t send him south between the sheets. You just have to know how to carry yourself in every situation.

All men aren’t the same – as in they are not your ex. Don’t treat this new guy like you treated your ex. Remember, he’s your ex for a reason.

While we’re on the subject of who he is-guess who doesn’t exist? Mr. Guy From My Dreams. He’s not out there and you’re missing out on the guy who may be dreamy if you hold on to the fantasy.

Put down the rule books and the “how to catch a man” research studies. Just put them down. Along with the Bedside Astrologer. Guess what? Geminis and Virgos can be great together. And you can actually make the first move. Guys actually love it when you do.

On that great first date: Have an opinion, but don’t be overly opinionated. *two snaps* Be assertive, be who you are, but don’t be a beeotch.

Be comfortable. Dress in something that has been given a test drive. Be sexy by wearing what you’re comfortable in. Be your best version of you, and he’s bound to think that’s sexy.

Don’t be afraid to be fun, but don’t be the faux fun girl. Be the cool you. There is nothing worse than being the girl that loves all the same things the boy likes on paper and then is secretly dying inside.

Be self-aware. Be right with yourself and you’ll find that you’re right for someone else. *three snaps*

Life is not a romantic comedy. Movies, o-good-effin-christ. Romantic comedies do not exist in real life. Just ask Sandra Bullock.

Bottom line: Let go of your should’ve, would’ve, could’ves. Fairy tales are fairy tales and a pop song is just a pop song. Didn’t you learn anything from High Fidelity?

Chivalry isn’t dead…or is it?

By theVar
Blogger of Straight My Tie

Guys, is it dead? I mean, I keep hearing about my girls going on dates and dealing with “supposedly” gentlemen that don’t open doors, pick up tabs, or give “gentle” kisses goodnight.  (Hello, it’s a FIRST date!) You don’t have to be someone you’re not, but you should make an attempt at being impressive.  Let’s face it.  The women know you’re not the guy in their dreams.  Who is?  But at least you’re being courteous and using what mom and grandma taught you.  Word to the wise–they want to see a guy that thinks about them first on the first date.  Yes. They are independent, and please don’t be intimidated by this.  It doesn’t mean they’re not looking for a gentleman.  Sometimes taking charge is just what you need to “get in the door”.  Just saying!

Know this, they want a 2 lane conversation.  Open up.  To do this you don’t have to be all sappy and give a depressing monologue or bullshit comments.  Trust me, she’s knows her eyes are pretty. Your reiteration doesn’t make ’em any nicer. Bring substance to the dialogue. What else does she care about, you ask? LOOK. NICE. Believe it or not, it’s as simple as taking the time to make sure your flip flops look good with your swim trunks at the pool.  You don’t have to go designer.  Just make sure your outfit fits your personality and meets the occasion.

Please, please, please smell good. You don’t have to smell like a cologne kiosk, just smell clean.  You won’t believe how far your detergent and a stroke of deodorant can go.  I’m here to tell ya, a loooonnnnnggg way! I mentioned opening doors before, and I have to go back to this.   It sounds trite, but it’s a sign of respect.  Don’t you want to make her squish? The pig will come out of me over and over in this article. What I’m about to say is no exception.  Opening doors can cause knee weakness–another step closer to panty dropping. Come on. Panty dropping with someone you want and really click with; isn’t that the goal.

Listening.  I can’t believe I waited until this point to talk about listening.  Nonetheless, listen mofo’s. Don’t just listen for the sake of seeming interested; listen with purpose.  If you want to get to know her, and more, all you have to do is (what?) ______. The future will mandate that you have a grasp on what she does and does not like. For example, if she mentions that she likes bike rides, and you pick her up, in your car mind you, and take her to a restaurant on a bike-riding-perfect day, you can kiss your McDreamy status, buh-bye! Dissemination of information cannot fall on deaf ears!

Let’s not forget cell phones. Pretend you don’t know about Alexander Gram Bell.  We’re in a technology age. Everyone get’s it; however, you’re on a first date. Your cell phone is not the object of desire. For either of you! If it’s important, excuse yourself–briefly. If not, put the bitch on silent or even vibrate. (I’ve heard it feels better that way). Just keep it out of the moment.  The moment = you + her.

I’m not going to beat a dead horse. Guys, women are giving you the  answer. She’s just one of the guys (so to speak). Give her the attention you’re giving your boys.  You’ll remember his comment about the last score of the World Series when the Rockies lost against the Red Sox for years to come.  Doesn’t she deserve the same interest and attention to detail from you?  Keep it real, gentlemen.  This doesn’t mean Dickwad.  Be Mr. Trying. Mr. Effort.  She notices. And that gets penis in her mouth. The question is “Will it be yours?”

Ask Captain Falcon Punch!

Life is hard in your 30s.  I’ve got your back.

Your wayyyyyy back.

___

Dear Captain Falcon Punch,

How do I get my friend to see me as a romantic partner and not just one of the guys?

Signed,
Can’t Make The First Move

Dear CMTFM,
oh that’s easy. check this shit out : invite him over for dinner
then drug his meal
when he wakes up, stand over him wearing a Pokemon costume holding a whip and just say to him “You’re my bitch now…”
Easy as pie.

You’re Welcome,
CFP

______________________________________________________________________

Dear Captain Falcon Punch,

I have a friend who is gay. He isn’t out. I think he needs to come out of the closet. How can I help him?

Yours,
A Good Friend

Dear Good Friend,

check this shit out! invite the guy over for dinner and then take his coat. when he gets ready to leave for the night, make him go to the coat closet to get his coat and have a mannequin dressed like him in there holding a sign that says “Its ok”

fucking dope right?
i got a million ideas

XOXO,
CFP