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Really? You’re still shopping?

16 Dec

Okay, I just finished my holiday shopping yesterday. Now I’m just crossing my fingers that everything ships to me in time.  So just in case you’re still shopping, here are a few more picks that make me smile.

For the friend with those super cute kiddos

One of our readers gave me the heads up to this online shop that sells really fun kitchen stuff including these great popsicle holders. The price is definitely right for this gift, and I love that they are a great opportunity for moms and dads to make fabulous homemade popsicles.


For your Dad who makes pies every holiday

Yes, only Williams Sonoma would have a contraption that makes delicious individual pies! This is just awesome. Awesome, awesome, awesome!


For a lip lockin’ lady

I love this eco-savvy lip gloss set in recycled vintage tins. Seriously, girlfriend, sister or derby sister, you can’t go wrong with this one.


For the person who puts weird shit in their office

We all work with that lady who shows up to the office with zany shit that she puts on her desk, or parades around the office to show everyone. Why not make it something rad?


For your amazeballs progressive pal

Sometimes the best gift is one that has a great message and raises funds for a worthy cause.  ‘Nuff said.


Sport, I had every intention of hijacking your post and telling the Scoundrels how much I hate you, shopping, and Christmas. I mean, really, who gives a shit about all of this, and you keep posting about this crap! Bah-fucking-humbug. Then I got this tweet last night

Yes, that is a link to one of your shopping guides. It’s for the whiskey stones you mentioned in the 1st shopping guide post. Needless to say, I feel like a tool. :( I owe you an apology, Sport. Obviously, your shopping guides are helpful, and people are actually paying attention. *shoulder shrug*

P.S. You just got a public apology. That will be the last, skank! Count it.


You know you’re gonna shop…

3 Dec

Hanukkah started this week and Christmas is just around the corner. That means you’re probably in the throes of some hardcore holiday gift shopping.

If you’re anything like me, you are probably looking for gifts that are both awesome and meaningful. So I decided that while I’m shopping, I’d pass along some of my favorite finds for my favorite Scoundrels.

For the shoe whore

Toms is a super rad company that donates a pair of shoes to kiddos in need for every pair purchased. The Vegan Wrap Boot in Ash is so damned cute, I wanna punch a baby over them.  Looks perfect for those more temperate winter days. Plus, I bet they’re super comfy.


For that special Gleek in your life

Um, yes please. What fan of Glee doesn’t want that first awesomesauce season on DVD?  Journey, dude. Journey.


For the homebody

These tea cups make me happy.  I know I’d be thrilled to get this set as a gift. Not only do I love me some penguins, but I love the gentle reminders on each cup.  In fact, I may have to get this for myself.


For the drunk

Whiskey stones! What a great idea. Now your favorite drinker can enjoy their fav drink without bullshit ice ruining the delicious taste of alcohol.  On a related note: I really miss booze.  Who wants to get wasted on Cinco de Mayo with me?


For yo gurhl

Cashmere makes even the gloomiest days brighter.  And we all know how amazing 3/4 length sleeves look on winter coats, but how impractical that would be in oh, say Denver, or Chicago, or New York.  Problem solved with these 2-in-1 Gloves. I did mention that they’re CASHMERE, right?

For *that* guy

First of all, I’m just going to say that I love *that* guy. Secondly, I cannot rave enough about how much I swoon over the Mad Men illustrations done by Dyna Moe.  She’s so effing brilliant!  My apartment is adorned with 5 different prints of her illustrations from Season One.  Be jealous. She got the smack down from Lionsgate for making her art available for purchase and it was unavailable until this book dropped.  I’d say get it, before Lionsgate changes their mind.


For that bitchy friend you secretly want to see get fat

The Cranberry Bliss Bar. Seriously, screw her. 320 calories per serving. 18g of fat, 26g of sugar. Bitch.


For the lady with a GD baby on board

Being pregnant means you feel like shit nearly all the time. Sure there are moments when you suddenly have enough energy to clean the kitchen or  stay focused at work. But for the most part, I’ve found that you go into put your head down and keep moving forward mode just to make it through your day.  And on top of feeling less than fab, you have the most incredible aches and pains in places you didn’t even know had nerves. Round ligament pain, anyone?  Plus, you really can’t take anything for said pain other than Tylenol, which is a joke.  Some days a Mommy-to-be will find a new best friend in one of these heat packs.  Microwave, snuggle up and get some instant relief. Great for non-preggos too!


For that hard to shop for friend or child

Okay, dinosaurs are awesome. T-shirts are awesome. And really, everyone should have at least one cool shirt.


and finally, for your slutty BFF

Awww yeah. I mean, seriously, take your pick. What ho-ho-ho-riffic skank wouldn’t want something that will surely land them on the naughty list next year.  Or you can always get them condoms so they don’t procreate. #justsayin

That’s about it, Scoundrels. Happy shopping and I hope that bitchy friends gets fat, too. Mmmm hmmm.

What makes a person a dick?

14 Oct

Scoundrels, last night I was told that I’m a dick.

Me. A dick. And that the things I do, are dickish.

image courtsey of

My boyfriend said this after I told him about how I dropped the hammer on an inconsiderate co-worker for leaving his dirty dishes in the office sink overnight with no intention of coming to work the next day.

Did I think it was dickish to take those dishes out of the sink and put them on said co-worker’s desk? Absolutely not.

Passive-aggressive? Possibly. Confrontational? You bet your hind end. Dickish? NO!

What was dickish, was leaving dirty dishes in the sink for other people to deal with. That’s dickish.

We all have that co-worker who treats the office like his or her home and makes it miserable for others. The one that needs to be reminded to be considerate to those around them in communal spaces. The one that drives you crazy.

So I asked dear boyfriend (I love him, by the way), how is it that I’m a dick for calling someone out on B.S. behavior like that?

He says that I could have been more polite in my approach.

I say eff that noise. I’m not that co-worker’s maid. And it wasn’t an isolated incident.

Scoundrels, am I dick? Did I need to be more polite in my approach to someone with no consideration for others?  What would have you done?


Letter to Smokey on National Coming Out Day

11 Oct

It may seem weird to draft a letter to a fetus, but I’m pretty weird.  So here goes:

Hi punkin,

It’s mom. But I prefer that you call me Sport like everyone else. That shit will drive Grandma nutso. We’ll all have a really good laugh.

I wanted to tell you something very important about the world. I think it’s the single most important and possibly cynical thing I may ever let you in on.  It’s not that I’m necessarily misanthropic; it’s just that I’m a realist.  Well here it is, kid: People are stupid. I’m talking really, really stupid.  Not everyone, just a whole lot of them. You’re going to see this over and over in your life, and I want you to remember me telling you that, yeah, they’re dumb as shit.

There is really no other way to explain it and still have hope in humanity.


image courtesy of


I don’t want you thinking that people are inherently heartless or evil.  I mean, why else would we live in a society that largely denies people that love each other marriage, just because they both have #peepees or #vags.

Why else would we have unchecked and tolerated bullying in our culture toward our friends that bang people of the same gender? Or our friends that look different? Or act differently?

It’s because they’re stupid, sweetie.  I really want you to remember that. And it’s your responsibility to not be stupid, and if you have the patience, to educate the really stupid kids around you. It’ll be tough. I’ve spent upwards of 30 years now trying not to be dumb and to decrease the stupidity around me. It’s an uphill battle.

And you being the smart one in a sea of dumbasses may lead to those kids picking on you.  Well fuck ’em. Mommy will teach you some really awesome ways to get back at them. I promise that you will never be in trouble if you get sent home for fighting if you pop a kid for being dumb. We’ll talk about better ways to handle conflict, but seriously, you can only take so much.

I’m new to this whole parenting thing, so I’m sure I’ll screw up a lot of stuff. However, I promise you that I will do my best to raise you right and give you a home full of compassion, love and tolerance.  Except for stupidity, I won’t tolerate that.

I will also promise you that if I ever hear you call someone a f*g, or say “that’s g*y” just because you heard one of those dumb kids say it, you will get your ass stomped. By me. Then I’ll hand you over to Uncle Var.



PS. for more information on what today means, visit

Guest Post: Mmmm hmmm, I’m talking to you, married men

7 Oct

Our Guest Post today comes from Michelle Fox. And woo boy is she putting some of you on blast! As we get older we find ourselves constantly trying to marry (no pun intended, I swear) our former selves with our current identities. Sometimes, it’s a huge #FAIL. Michelle explores one of those very cases. Now, we all hope we don’t have this guy at home, and if we do, he’s about to be in the doghouse. Take it away, Michelle…

Married men who hang out at bars:  consider yourselves on notice!

I chose to celebrate the completion of some major projects at a few different venues this past weekend.  I had true experiences of fun, freedom, and release.  I met some local and national celebrities, I enjoyed a Les Nubian concert, and I made a few new friends.  What has stuck in my craw for the last two days is the energy I’ve been receiving from married men.

I promise not to get on my high horse, but if you’re going to be married, then be married.  Hanging out at a bar with friends is totally acceptable.  Hanging out at such establishments, with your left hand in your pocket while buying drinks for us single ladies is questionable.  Don’t even get me started on the bachelor that wants to come back to my place for one last night of fun.  Really??

I chose the single life for a number of reasons, but one of them includes the benefit of flirting and playing around with different people.  Again, totally OK to do the same when you’re married, but not OK if you are hitting on me with the hopes of furthering our relationship.
I ran into a co-worker from the past at a downtown establishment on Friday night.  He had two other friends with him.  One friend and I hit it off particularly well, until a bell began to chime in my head.  “Let me see your hand,” I asked.  He looked at me like a deer in the headlight.  Our mutual friend asked me how I knew he was married.  I told him the left hand in the pocket got my attention.  Not OK!

So that scene played itself out to my left.  On my right side my girlfriends had began a “party” with two other men.  Drinks were flowing thanks to the generosity of these male beings.  As I began to ask a few questions, it hit me that the more boisterous of the two was married to a former stylist of mine.  The mood quickly changed once he realized that I knew his wife.  Once again, really??

The last story I’ll share includes a “thank you God” for Facebook.  I attended a wonderful networking event where business cards were exchanged with a number of motivated people.  One of these people happens to be a married man, but I would not be able to tell by the way our conversation flowed, the absent wedding ring, and the inquisitive follow-up email I received.  Sure enough, a few clicks through the Internet produced photos of his children along with a relationship status of married.

The validation one receives from the attention of others can be seductive.  I get it!  I also get the commitment to living authentically.  This is my path, and if you are reading these words, I am guessing it is yours too.  I have no personal judgments on rules that each couple shares for their relationship.  I do have judgment about bringing in a third party without full disclosure.  I am clear that I do not tango with married men.  There are plenty of authentically single men to consider.

So married men, and soon-to-be married men, consider yourselves on notice!  I don’t think my voice on this one is going to get any quieter.

Hey idiot, the way you use Facebook is going to get you fired

4 Oct

We all have at least one in our friends list. The one that shares all the wrong stuff on Facebook and leaves us with no option other than to cringe in horror and gawk at the train wreck.

The thing is, so much of what people share on Facebook is for attention. It’s a narcissistic way of saying “hey world, look how important I am. Look what I have to say.”

Only, most of these things that people have to say are fleeting thoughts without much weight given to the consequences of broadcasting them to the world via the interwebs. So people say a lot of stupid stuff. Continue reading

Submissions and Stage-5 Clinger Signs: Great way to start a week, eh?

13 Sep

A word from our sponsors:

I want to talk to you Scoundrels about submissions. Lately, Sport and I have been pretty much churning out topics for you to sink your agreeable, sometimes judgmental, opinionated, which we all love teeth into. But we haven’t been receiving many submissions from you. WTF? Do you feel your 30s experience doesn’t merit our welcoming eyes? Are you just too good to share how awesome and fucked up your 30s are?  We started this blog tocreate a community for all of us nearing that threshold of 30s, navigating this 30s labyrinth, and even those of us that have reached the 30s dénouement (God rest their souls). Now, armed with this new-found awareness what are you going to do with it? If the answer is submit your tales of debaucherous sex, child-rearing, relationships, career, traveling (you get the idea), then you just won the secret prize. Ahem, if I told you, then it wouldn’t be secret, now would it? Sooooo, what will we do? SUBMIT POSTS! When will we do it? NOW! Just send them over to

Continue reading

Guest Post – Girl: Rediscovered

25 Aug

Today’s guest post comes from a fellow blogger that’s been a great supporter of TTTM. Erika Napoletano is RedheadWriting. She is single, an admitted shoe and cycling gear whore and lives on the east side of Denver with her two dogs and two cats. Her website is a bastion for unpopular thoughts and blunt advice and at age 37.75, she still believes in true love, unicorns and the power of a banana milkshake to deliver salvation.

I stared into my closet like it was a pile of receipts at tax time. How had this happened?

While I was sleeping (or while I had better things to do), someone snuck into my closet and replaced my cuteness with…comfortable. Colorado chic. BLARGH.

After throwing up just a touch, it began. Piece by piece, the clothes landed on the bed. Frumpy,  Bought and Never Worn, From 2004, Hadn’t Worn in Two Years and Who the FUCK Bought THAT all had a gang bang on my bed. Then: the shoes. Rejects from my corporate attire days and others that are entirely too comfortable…IN THE PILE!

When I finished, I was left with a spartan space, but one with infinite potential.

It was time to go and find my girl. The bitch had run off and I had an idea where she was lurking. Continue reading

Does size matter?

24 Aug

My name is theVar, and I have a full-size bed. Get your mind out of the gutter, dirty fuckers! Besides, that’s more economy size. *wink, wink*

The big gun.

No seriously. I really do have a full-size bed. After telling two friends this last night, they looked at me like I’d kicked their puppy. Then they proceeded to tell me how I’m abnormal. What self-respecting, 30-year-old man could sleep in a full-sized bed? And, of course, my retort was, “I could. Now get off my balls and let me sleep.” Continue reading

On having good manners- the host/hostess gift

10 Aug

We’re all too old not to know this one.

Wine anyone?

Throwing a party is a big deal. It takes time, planning, money and patience. As a host or hostess, you worry whether guests will show, if they’ll bring too many friends, if something crazy will happen à la the parties you had in your 20s where things end up broken, people in handcuffs. Mostly, you worry whether your guests will have a good time. And keep it down after 10pm.

So it’s only good manners that when you’re on the guest side of the party, you should bring a host or hostess gift. It doesn’t have to be anything especially extravagant. A 6 pack of beer, a bottle of wine, a tin of tea–all make lovely gifts.

Some people like to get creative with it and bring things like hand painted stemware or homemade muffins. Any way you slice it, you shouldn’t show up empty handed.

So what happens if you do?

First, don’t panic. This faux pas is one that we’ve all fallen victim to. The most important thing to do is plan your entrance and exit strategy. You’ve shown up empty handed, so don’t make your entrance or exit grandiose. Slip in and slip back out. No big show.

Next, no self-deprecation. If it comes up, acknowledge your mistake and apologize to the host or hostess. But don’t go on and on.

Finally, make sure you redeem yourself by sending a thank you note post party.  Again, doesn’t have to be anything crazy, but a tactful note thanking your host or hostess for a lovely time and your best regards.

And remember: you’re in your 30s now. It’s not rocket science. Just good manners and common sense. See you at the next party!

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