Tag Archives: family

Ugh. The Holidays Are Coming

18 Nov

Nom, nom, nom, bitches

Sigh. To everyone: Eat a dick along with your turkey next week.

I hate the holidays.

I hate the crap, the materialism, the BS influx in vapid consumerism, the drama, the generic social transactions – bah frickin’ humbug!

I just do not see any reason why I should spend a day off driving all over the state to visit the various households of my broken family on the last Thursday of November to eat stuff I can get year-round at Boston Market.  Perhaps if I were bringing blankets of small pox- but to eat? Hell no.

What’s more? A simple cost/benefit analysis for said travel and meal ends up proving it’s not worth the money burned in fuel to arrive at the destination. Yeah, I know it’s about “family time.” #Boopussy.

I don’t have anything against my family, they’re cool. But you know what I like to do on a rare weekday off? Watch old episodes of Law & Order and eat on the couch wearing #nopants.

This year, I’ll be joining the Sig O’s fam for festivities. Five bucks says I end up talking about how heavy my tits are these days, or threaten to slap Mike with my placenta. Because, you know,  I’m the queen of social graces. I’ll do my best to enjoy it, but honestly, I think everyone is super selfish for making me give up my pantless L&O marathon to socialize and build memories.  Dicks.

And I’m not hating on you if you la la la la love you some family holidays. Do your thing and enjoy. Just don’t get pissed if I don’t want to drive all over God’s Green Earth to join your festivities.

I guess I’ve had good Thanksgivings. There was that time Matthew and I went to 7-11 to buy 40s and that amazeballs year in Queens with Phil.  But mostly, for me, it’s a day that just falls flat.

Scoundrels, where do you stand on this one? Alone time, or smother yourself with familial bonding?

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Guest Post: A day in the life- shut off that fucking alarm, and where did this peanut butter come from?

20 Oct

Raw! After reading this, that was the first word that came to mind. I love the Talk Thirty To Me community because of posts like this—when we all get to peep into the private and intimate moments of other Scoundrels’ lives. However, I could do without the 7:15am mention. vaguelycool, thanks for your open, way informative, and give-me-a-laugh post. I don’t envy you. Nonetheless, I’m sure we have some mommies, wives, and all around, up-to-their necks women out there that are definitely relating to you right now. Happy reading, Scoundrels.

This was written at a stoplight.

I have no GD time. I have literally composed, edited and submitted this piece at stoplights from Denver to DTC over the last two weeks. I’m a working mother of two rascals and I have not one minute to myself in a day. I used to shop at Banana Republic between appointments during the week, swan into wine bars at 5pm and entertain clients/friends until the wee hours. I had time to read magazines, get pedicures and go on dates with my husband, and then things changed. For the better definitely, but time just…disappeared.

Here’s what my day looks like. Mind you, this is just an average weekday, not inclu

ding special events, friends/family in town or heaven forbid, a date with my husband. Just a regular day.

My day starts at 12.01am. I have been asleep for about an hour with any luck.

3:30am – feed infant son, burp him, change his little pants, settle him back to sleep

Oh, the joys of doing it all. Image courtsey of parmeter.net

4:15am – “pump my bosoms” as my 2yr old says

4:30am – go back to sleep

5:30am – husband’s stupid alarm goes off

5:40am – husband’s stupid alarm goes off

5:50 am – husband’s GODDAMNED stupid alarm goes off

6:00am – (GETTHEFUCKOUTOFBEDYOUMOTHERFUCKER) husband’s stupid alarm is turned off, husband gets out of bed

6:30am – a) infant son wakes and cries or b)2yr old daughter wakes and begins the “MUUMMYYY” deal

7:00am – nanny arrives (thank GOD)

7:15am – “pump my bosoms” and eat something – usually simultaneously

8:30am – or sometimes 9:00am – I arrive at my office

9:15am – usually discover snot, sick, yogurt or peanut butter on my suit

9:30am – 5:00pm – various meetings, lunches, pointless paper bullshit, fun client meetings and other money making duties – will typically drive about 60miles throughout the day – smile on face – pump my bosoms at 10:00am and 2:00pm – usually in a toilet stall or in my car in a parking lot

6:00pm – battle traffic home unless there is a client drinkies (here’s hoping) at a downtown wine bar

6:15 – get smothered by kisses from 2yr old, bowled over by hairy dog, receive download from nanny (learn of everyone’s poops, including graphic descriptions, and timeouts of the day, among other things)

6:45pm – complete reading an average of 6 bedtime stories, brush dolly’s hair, change a few diapers, feed dog, unpack bosom pumping bag, pump bosoms, get dinner going

8:00pm – sit down to dinner with husband. Inhale two glasses of wine (compulsory) – watch news

9:00pm – start the two hour process of going to bed – finish emails, put laundry away, pump my bosoms, husband feeds infant son

10:30pm – get into bed, attempt to read 2 pages of book (usually same 2 pages I read the night prior as I can’t remember what the book is about). Husband feeds infant son.

3:30am – get up to pump my bosoms – email TheVar about how I should write a story about how little fucking time I have…….and every single day I marvel at how lucky I am to have such a wonderful life. I’m not kidding.

Guest Post: Sick & Wrong? Possibly. Happy? Most Definitely

24 Sep

Today’s guest post comes to us from Jane, a TTTM reader and blogger of Jane’s Infinite Wisdom. To be honest, we don’t know much about Jane other than she has balls of steel. Jane submitted her post to give us a little glimpse into the life less ordinary. Thanks, Jane!

“Don’t be ridiculous. You’ll never get married. You’re one of those people destined for eccentricity, yelling at kids to get off your lawn!”

I don’t remember what I said to my best friend to illicit that response but I do remember it stung enough to be able to recall it nearly 20 years later.

image courtesy of http://engagements.ca

I think I tried to get married just to spite her. I spent most of my 20’s locked in a relationship even though it didn’t feel right and I lived my life as though I was already a suburban mundane despite the fact that he and I didn’t live together, or near one another for that matter, most of the time. Once the proposal happened and the wedding planning began in earnest though, I freaked out. I ended the relationship over the silliest possible reason and walked away with a sigh of relief. Had texting been available back then, I likely would have been one of *those* people. Fortunately, my moral standing was somewhat upheld in that I was forced to do it by telephone.

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