Archive by Author

Whelp, it’s been a while

11 Jul

Yeah scoundrels, that’s me now! And the fam!

Scoundrels! Goddamn, I missed you all. Here I am now, a mother to a 3-year-old, a wife, a homeowner, and a career woman (and back to being a derby girl!). Holla! Beyonce would be proud.

The husband and I just (as in last week) celebrated our first anniversary.

I finally rid myself of those damn cats and now have a puffy, fluffy dog. His name is Roger Sterling.

The boy and Roger are besties.

That’s a complete lie. The boy likes to pretend he’s a bull and ram Roger. While Roger likes to hide Duncan’s toys. And he’s particularly fond of pissing on the boy’s outside toys. It’s like having two kids. That are dicks. I’m pretty sure Duncan sees Roger as a threat. Sibling rivalry where one of the siblings is a dog.

The boy! Oh man, that kid is a constant source of laughter and joy for me. And our potty training adventures make me want to jump off a bridge. Remember, you can’t have it all.

Over the next several weeks, I’ll share proper updates about all the major milestones I fucking owned in these last years. And some that I completely failed at.  For now, I’d just like to give the biggest Internet hugs and smudge my lipstick all over your faces.  And for real, let’s get to talkin’ again!



Best life vs. well, life

8 Feb

Mike just farted.

We’re waiting for me to have to poop again so we can collect a *shudder* sample.

One of the cats has a broken tail from me shutting it “sorta accidentally” in the door and the other cat keeps flooding the apartment.

We actually went and tried on Baby Bjorns this past weekend.

This is life as we know it.  After reading Jaime’s post yesterday, it sparked a thought in my mind about how we reconcile that notion of living our best life with the reality of everyday life.

I'mma flood dis' bitch

Although I am so happy and satisfied in so many aspects of my life, there are still things I want for myself and my family. For one, I’d like a job where my ideas are valued and the work and awards and all that crap that you put in year after year is not viewed as worthless to the boss.

I want to go to Paris.

I want to marry that man dropping ass bombs in the other room, ’cause you know, I love him and want to make sure he is completely trapped.

Ha! That’s what the baby is for.  LOLZ!

I want everyday to be filled with some adventure and some courage.

I want to eat my vegetables again and enjoy them. I really want that.

And I must admit, there are times when all those things I want just seem like they’re never going to happen because you know, I have to collect that sample, or the baby is going to want a drum kit, or the GD cat is going to flood the apartment again.

Those small real life episodes make seeing Paris in my best life feel like an intangible fantasy. I mean seriously, nothing feels further from the glamour of Paris than having faucet butt and assplosions. Nothing.

All of this is not to say that I’m not happy with all that I already have.  It’s just that as humans, we always want a little more, right? We want to accomplish something else, see one more thing, have just one more amazing experience.  It’s not to say that one is ungrateful for all the badassery already in their life, it’s just that well, I just want a little more too.

I feel like my question for you Scoundrels is all of that. How do you make your everyday-so-not-the-best-of-some-stuff, your best life? And at what point do you say that maybe good enough is the best?

Guest Post: Ch-ch-ch-change

7 Feb

Today’s post comes from a reader and a friend. Jaime and I played roller derby together and from her I learned that hard work, dedication and patience can pay off. I also learned that you can be a seriously hot mama and rock the world just by being yourself. She’s got some really great things to say in this post about being real with yourself, defining and living your best life, and facing challenges head on! I heart her face and hope you all enjoy her piece. -Sport

A year or so ago, a friend of mine started a blog about being 30 and how she was not happy turning the big 3-0. I, an old pro of 33 (at the time), posted a reply stating how wonderful it was. You have money! You are finally comfortable in your own skin! You know what you want to be when you grow up and you get to do it every day!

The truth is – I lied.

Every statement posted was a saccharine-infested fib.

Ninjabread men no like saccharine-infested fibs

For me anyway. Each birthday of my 30s has brought along with it a huge upheaval, both good and bad, of everything I’ve ever known:

• A week before my 30th I started a new job in an industry I thought I would enjoy and could grow in. (Yeah! A grown up job! Finally!)

• On a perfect Colorado fall day, a month after turning 30, I married a wonderful man who thinks I’m amazing (thought that would never happen!).

• For my 31st birthday I had settled into the first trimester of a very welcome pregnancy.

• I celebrated my 32nd birthday with a beautiful 4-month-old baby girl, a “mild” case of post-partum depression (it felt like a horrible case to me, but hey, I’m not a medical professional), and a body that was in constant pain due to hip and lower spine displacement issues. I hated being in my skin. Hated it.

• For my 33rd birthday my husband was two months into his first year of medical school and, unexpectedly, without a job. But I finally had relief from the pain, without drugs, and that was a huge plus.

• Last year, on my 34th birthday, I was down to working only 24 hours a week, which doesn’t leave much room for saving, and was once again pregnant. The cherry on top was the horrible realization that what I was doing for a living was not really what I wanted to do after all.

This year, the year I turn 35, will be the start of a long-term, change of living for our family. In a few short months I will leave my job to be a stay-at-home mom. It was after much debate, much indigestion, and very little sleep that the decision was made.

But I am still concerned about the future.

The realization that, in a few short months, there will be absolutely no income into our household is a bit staggering. How the hell will we provide basic needs for four people with no income?

I’ve always lived a very middle class life – never needed for anything, but never had to utter the ‘B’ word, much less live by it. If we wanted a new coat or book or whatever, we went to the store and got it. No one said “Not this week/month, it’s not part of the budget.” I, we, lived a good life.

We’ve already started the process of re-learning what it means to live your best life, and I admit, it’s been hard on me. I don’t how to live frugally or seriously abide by a budget. While some decisions will be easy (I will gladly eat ramen noodles so my daughter can have fresh strawberries and deli ham, the cable is long gone, and we’re all using cheap shampoo) some will be much harder – what can I sell for grocery/electric/water money? What bill can wait to be paid?

My grandmother always said that god only gives you what he knows you have the strength to handle – I’m going to trust her on that one. So one step at a time is how it’s going to be for now. No point in living life curled up in a ball on the closet floor crying and shoving Oreos into your face.

Besides, I’m always up for a good challenge. Keeps life interesting.

Stories and morals

26 Jan

mmmmrrruuuuummmmppphhhh *whale sounds* uuuunnnnnnggggghhh *fart*  ooommmppffff.

That would be the series of sounds I make now when I get in and out of bed. Sort of like my very own exciting and extremely sexy mating call. Or a warning sound to Mike that the room is about to smell less pleasant.

Change, it seems, has become an undeniable part of my life these days. Be it my changing body or the change in my ability to do all the things I was once able to.

And man was I in denial about that last bit.

Uh BooPussy!

Scene: I was really excited for the new Cold War Kids album to come out yesterday. They are one of my favorite bands. I la la la la love them and want to have their babies.  Not really, because being pregnant is fucking horrible, but in theory, I want to have their babies.

I downloaded the album Monday night and got in the tub for my nightly soak to ward off achey pains and feelings of wanting to stab people.

Backstage: This year has been filled -ALREADY- with an insane amount of work and activity.  So much so that I decided to take my 6 months preggo ass out of town last weekend. Between work, more work, extra-cirrics, cats that seem to enjoy flooding our apartment, baby arrival anxiety, hormone fueled mood swings, genuine exhaustion, a recent bout of insomnia, fears of gestational diabetes, my new found limited mobility, and the emotional wear of a-holes at work commenting on my non-betrothed – ooohh-you’ve-put-on-a-lot-of-weight status – well, it’s all a little much.

Scene: Track one. Hmmmm, not spectacular. Ummmm, well this is not working for me at all.  At least the bath is relaxing. If only there wasn’t a cat pawing at the door. Meh. Wait, this Cold War Kids album must be a mix up. There is something suspiciously off about this. I think this is a Christian rock band. The CWK are way too creepy to sound like this. It’s like…OMG, it’s like Creed.  What the fuck is going on?

Backstage: Cut to a booth at Chilis. LeVar is literally yelling at me. It’s fine. We’re true friends. We hold each other accountable. We’re writing partners, business partners, and genuine friends. We respect each other. Sure it doesn’t feel good to be on the receiving end of the call out, but it’s necessary.  Words coming at me begin to sound eerily like the same words Mike has been saying for a couple weeks. Withdrawing, shutting down, not engaging. Boopussy. Guilty as charged. I’m overwhelmed. Something has to give.

Scene: Panic has officially set in as I realize that CWK has tried to be all things to all people instead of the band that won my heart with clamoring songs of betrayal, faith and profound lyrical badassery.  They’re trying to do it all and letting down those who love them the most.

Backstage: Word. CWK, me too.

Scene: I can’t even finish this album in one sitting. It’s painful.

So there it is. The new CWK album sucks a bag of dicks. And I simply can’t do it all anymore.  My Type A personality is having some serious issues with this.  A sense of misplaced guilt has sprouted. And I so don’t do guilt.

The moral of this story: I’m sure there comes a time for all of us when this reorganization of life occurs.  Mine just seems to be now.  Scoundrels, how do you juggle it all?  And have you heard the new CWK album? Ugh, right?

And a P.S. to the a-holes at work with the snide comments: DIAF. Seriously.

New year, new you? Nah, that’s bullshit!

6 Jan

One of the biggest bs buzz phrases you hear this time of year is: New Year, New You.


Quit smoking, lose wright, be a better you!

What the hell does that really even mean? I suspect it’s a marketers way of trying to tap in to a person’s deep desire to reinvent themselves into something better. It motivates said person with the promise of renewal at the start of a new calendar year.

But in reality, it’s horseshit.  New year, same old you. Despite any of the resolutions you make, you are still you.

That got me really thinking about why this idea of reinvention with a new year is such a big seller in our culture. Are we all really that unsatisfied or unfulfilled in our lives that we’ll shell out big bucks in hopes of people seeing us in a different light? Or is it all a conveniently timed marketing campaign preying on the consumer’s insecurities?

Or am I spiraling down the rabbit hole toward becoming a conspiracy theorist?

The Big Reveal!

25 Dec

Merry Christmas, scoundrels.  I won’t even beat around the bush here. You’re only visiting the blog today to get the scoop on what kind of junk Smokey is packing so without further adieu…


For all you not  as familiar with our effed up way of saying things: SMOKEY IS A BOY!!!



Merry Christmas, scoundrels! Hope your day is as full of excitement and joy!


Our gift to you

24 Dec

Merry Christmas Eve, scoundrels! You may be at home with the fam relaxing, or snuggled up with your fine, single self watching Love Actually. Shit you may even be working. Whatever you’re up to today, Var and I wanted to give you some of our favorite holidays songs to enjoy.

A classic! This one gets me every time.

Holy shit, this video is snowing! Woot! And I’m pretty sure Elvis is three sheets to the wind in this version.

Perry. Fucking. Como!

Um, James Brown dancing in heaven? Yes , please.

I’m 30, I don’t know why I still want to bang Jon Bon Jovi so badly.

A slutty one-eyed Mariah Carey brings back Christmas magic to Lil’ Bow Wow. Awwww.

*slap* Ha ha. Just kidding. [Sport, I’m laughing my ass off at this. Well done, gal.]

Blog Love: ‘Tis the season

22 Dec

A blogger we love, Jenny, or better known as the The Bloggess rocked our little socks off this past week.

Jenny posted about how she would give a $30 dollar gift card to the first 30 people to comment on her post about how they weren’t sure they were going to be able to give their kiddos a Christmas.  Awesome as a gesture by itself, but it turned out that Jenny and her loyal readers gave so much more to so many more just by using these here internets!

“Over 900 gift cards were sent out by 689 people who were so thrilled to help.  450 people who needed small Christmas miracles received donations for medicine, food, or presents under the tree for their children.  No large corporations got involved.  No one only offered to donate if they got something out of it themselves.  With no sponsorships, no ulterior motives and with only a simple need to reach out and help a perfect stranger, 689 everyday, normal people (Jewish, Christians, Atheists, Muslims and more) sent out over $40,000 worth of donations to make sure Christmas came.” –Jenny

Chills. And my chunky monkey, pregnant ass tears up every time I think of that sort of kindness.  You know what, I can’t do this justice. Just go read it yourself!  It’s amazing and maybe what you are needing today to get in the spirit.

Kudos, Jenny, and your readers!

Really? You’re still shopping?

16 Dec

Okay, I just finished my holiday shopping yesterday. Now I’m just crossing my fingers that everything ships to me in time.  So just in case you’re still shopping, here are a few more picks that make me smile.

For the friend with those super cute kiddos

One of our readers gave me the heads up to this online shop that sells really fun kitchen stuff including these great popsicle holders. The price is definitely right for this gift, and I love that they are a great opportunity for moms and dads to make fabulous homemade popsicles.


For your Dad who makes pies every holiday

Yes, only Williams Sonoma would have a contraption that makes delicious individual pies! This is just awesome. Awesome, awesome, awesome!


For a lip lockin’ lady

I love this eco-savvy lip gloss set in recycled vintage tins. Seriously, girlfriend, sister or derby sister, you can’t go wrong with this one.


For the person who puts weird shit in their office

We all work with that lady who shows up to the office with zany shit that she puts on her desk, or parades around the office to show everyone. Why not make it something rad?


For your amazeballs progressive pal

Sometimes the best gift is one that has a great message and raises funds for a worthy cause.  ‘Nuff said.


Sport, I had every intention of hijacking your post and telling the Scoundrels how much I hate you, shopping, and Christmas. I mean, really, who gives a shit about all of this, and you keep posting about this crap! Bah-fucking-humbug. Then I got this tweet last night

Yes, that is a link to one of your shopping guides. It’s for the whiskey stones you mentioned in the 1st shopping guide post. Needless to say, I feel like a tool. :( I owe you an apology, Sport. Obviously, your shopping guides are helpful, and people are actually paying attention. *shoulder shrug*

P.S. You just got a public apology. That will be the last, skank! Count it.

Still not done with your shopping?

10 Dec

We thought we’d toss-up another gifty-guidey thing in case some of you are like me and still shopping.

I seriously bought this for my big sister

My sister specifically asked for this exact item for Christmas. She’s a huge Buffy fan. I will tell you that if you intend to order this and want it by the 25th, you probably need to order it today. It took an extremely long time for them to get this to me. *Sigh*


For my bestie girl

These oh-so-amazing Morse Code Necklaces are not only gorgeous and clever, but they’re also affordable. I’m not a big yellow gold kind of girl, but I’d gladly make an exception for one of these. Kind of like a grown up friendship bracelet for your bestie. Awww tender.


For that pal with the seriously effed up sense of humor

For no reason at all, I was in bed the other night and busted out laughing about a scene from Reno 911 that I saw two years ago. What a great show.


For that special lady, or dude, or whatever

Hands down one of the most spectacular rings I’ve ever seen. I love it because it really feels like it’s more than a piece of jewelery. It’s telling a story, which I think is grand. Plus, it’s so purdy. And of course, super affordable. :)


For a dad – new or old

I sorta think this is hilarious, and what Dad wouldn’t get a good chuckle out of the fleeting thought of making his little ones walk the plank?


For the #fatty

A little snarky here, but in all seriousness, I’d love a year’s worth of workouts.  Um, and if you want to toss in some personal training sessions to promise that I actually take my lazy booty to the gym, I’d love ya forever.


What to die for gifts have you guys found this year?


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