Archive | #CFP RSS feed for this section

Ask Captain Falcon Punch

23 Nov


Dear Captain Falcon Punch,

theVar recently talked about blind dates on Talk Thirty To Me, and I have a friend that’s trying to set me up on a blind date–incessantly trying. Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate what he’s doing. I just don’t think it’s for me. It’s been ages since I’ve been on a date, and a blind date might be refreshing. I really don’t want to get my hopes up only to have them crushed by a bad dating experience. What should I do?

Thanks. –DontYouWishYourBoyfriendGaveHeadLikeMe

Dear WIshesHeGaveGoodHead,

What is your desired outcome for this date? A little wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am, or a fulfilling picket fence-esque scenario? Because if you’re only looking for some quick and dirty, you’re gonna look like a jackass if you hump and dump a friend of a friend. You might as well go to Lodo and ply some unsuspecting blond with free-flowing Red Bull vodkas.

On the other hand, you could take your friend’s word that his friend is on the up-and-up. Take a chance and go out with her! She could turn ou to be a skanky cum dumpster, in which case you’d have the best of both worlds. Play on playa!

–Your friendly neighborhood Captain Falcon Punch


CFP! Help!

27 Jul

[tweetmeme source=”talkthirtytome” only_single=false]

Dearest CFP,

The Var and I have found ourselves in a bit of a pickle.

We submitted a spark for Ignite Denver 7 to talk for 5 minutes about Talk Thirty To Me. Then we realized that we didn’t know what the hell we’re doing. We need confidence, direction and most importantly, the sage advice of CFP.



Sport and TheVar


I thought I told you never to email me agai… oh…OH HEY! My bad… I thought you were Kirk Montgomery.

I gotta be honest with you guys, I have no idea what the fuck Ignite Denver is or if I’d like to be associated with it. Ignite Denver sounds like a mile-high chlamydia epidemic and frankly the last thing I need is a burning sensation when I pee. Who’s running this thing? Are we getting paid? Ask them if they need a web developer. This fucking economy is killing me.

Whoa.. what the fu… 5 fucking minutes?! Go to hell!

P.S. – Seriously though, ask them if they need a web developer.


Ask Captain Falcon Punch!

4 Jun

Captain Falcon Punch,

Is it wrong to have a “bitch.” I mean, say you have a really hot chick who gets off on saying “I’m yo bitch” and then performing all sorts of tantric sex on you. Does it make you a bad person to take advantage of having a bitch? Do I have to stop watching Oprah? Drop out of NOW? Or should I just start voting Republican?

Big Daddy Kane

Dear Big Daddy Kane,

Let me tell you something, smooth operator… the only thing wrong with the word “bitch” is when YOU become one. If you have to question why your “bitch” chooses her own unique flavor of expressing her commitment to you AND has the common courtesy to fuck you raw with no half steppin’, who are you to question it? As far as I’m concerned that’s pure unadultered, motherfuckin’ love, motherfucker. Handle your business, son… cause if you don’t, I’ll get the job done. – CFP

Ask Captain Falcon Punch!

20 May

Dear CFP,

How come the closer I get to 30 the more I dress like a colorblind republican? What can I do to refresh my wardrobe in a more age-appropriate and less “homeless soccer mom” kind of way?


WTF am I going to wear

Dear WTF am I going to wear,

Check this shit out… wear whatever the fuck you want. What? Were you expecting some kind of magical answer? Nobody gives a fuck what you wear… especially when you’re thirty. Your youthful vitality stops at 30 because your built in “Fuck It” meter kicks into high gear and stomps on it like a roach in a tap dancing contest. Does that answer your question? Thanks for writing in!


Ask Captain Falcon Punch!

17 May

Life is hard in your 30s.  I’ve got your back.

Your wayyyyyy back.


Dear Captain Falcon Punch,

How do I get my friend to see me as a romantic partner and not just one of the guys?

Can’t Make The First Move

oh that’s easy. check this shit out : invite him over for dinner
then drug his meal
when he wakes up, stand over him wearing a Pokemon costume holding a whip and just say to him “You’re my bitch now…”
Easy as pie.

You’re Welcome,


Dear Captain Falcon Punch,

I have a friend who is gay. He isn’t out. I think he needs to come out of the closet. How can I help him?

A Good Friend

Dear Good Friend,

check this shit out! invite the guy over for dinner and then take his coat. when he gets ready to leave for the night, make him go to the coat closet to get his coat and have a mannequin dressed like him in there holding a sign that says “Its ok”

fucking dope right?
i got a million ideas


%d bloggers like this: