Ask Captain Falcon Punch

 

Dear Captain Falcon Punch,

theVar recently talked about blind dates on Talk Thirty To Me, and I have a friend that’s trying to set me up on a blind date–incessantly trying. Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate what he’s doing. I just don’t think it’s for me. It’s been ages since I’ve been on a date, and a blind date might be refreshing. I really don’t want to get my hopes up only to have them crushed by a bad dating experience. What should I do?

Thanks. –DontYouWishYourBoyfriendGaveHeadLikeMe

Dear WIshesHeGaveGoodHead,

What is your desired outcome for this date? A little wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am, or a fulfilling picket fence-esque scenario? Because if you’re only looking for some quick and dirty, you’re gonna look like a jackass if you hump and dump a friend of a friend. You might as well go to Lodo and ply some unsuspecting blond with free-flowing Red Bull vodkas.

On the other hand, you could take your friend’s word that his friend is on the up-and-up. Take a chance and go out with her! She could turn ou to be a skanky cum dumpster, in which case you’d have the best of both worlds. Play on playa!

–Your friendly neighborhood Captain Falcon Punch

CFP! Help!

[tweetmeme source=”talkthirtytome” only_single=false]

Dearest CFP,

The Var and I have found ourselves in a bit of a pickle.

We submitted a spark for Ignite Denver 7 to talk for 5 minutes about Talk Thirty To Me. Then we realized that we didn’t know what the hell we’re doing. We need confidence, direction and most importantly, the sage advice of CFP.

Help!

XOXO,

Sport and TheVar

Hey!

I thought I told you never to email me agai… oh…OH HEY! My bad… I thought you were Kirk Montgomery.

I gotta be honest with you guys, I have no idea what the fuck Ignite Denver is or if I’d like to be associated with it. Ignite Denver sounds like a mile-high chlamydia epidemic and frankly the last thing I need is a burning sensation when I pee. Who’s running this thing? Are we getting paid? Ask them if they need a web developer. This fucking economy is killing me.

Whoa.. what the fu… 5 fucking minutes?! Go to hell!

P.S. – Seriously though, ask them if they need a web developer.

-CFP