Weekly Rant – F*ck You, Facebook [Updated]

21 Dec

Update (12/22/10 9:51am): Okay, so Zucker-bah. *sighs* Zucker-bah. Zucker-bahhh. Awww, screw it. Zuckerberg isn’t so bad after all. I’m not so much a bastardized dick that I can’t see the greatness in him donating $100 million to the public school system of Newark, New Jersey–a place, as the article points out, he’s never lived. *golf clap* to you Zuckerberg. But, make no mistake. I’ve still got my eye on you, buddy!


Head in ass

Get your head out of your ass, Facebook.


If I may be frank, Clean. Your. Shit. Up. You can consider this our coming to Jesus talk. I’ve told you once, hell, I’ve told you twice–I have no problem giving Twitter 100% of theVar’s time. (You see this shit. You’ve got me talking in 3rd person. That’s how fed-up I am.) Where do you get off constantly changing crap and just telling your users to deal with it. Wait. Correction. You don’t tell us anything. Nawwww, Facebook. You think that because you’re a big baller on the social web front, we’re suppose to eat and like everything you’re serving up.

And I’m sure Zuckerbucket getting Time Magazine’s Person of the Year is going to your head. Is that what happened last week? Sure, you say “some internal prototypes caused the site to be inaccessible” to the majority of your readers. Let’s be honest, asshats. You became overzealous in light of news of  the Zuckerloser announcement.

Hmmm, come to think of it, I should be mad at Time Magazine. They know you turds are arrogant and full of shit. Why would they give you such an award? Scratch that. I guess it would only be fitting they give it to Zuckerbooger. Hitler received the same award in 1939. Could the two megalomaniacs be related? *shoulder shrug*

I like you, Facebook. You definitely serve a purpose. All I’m asking is that you see what your users want. Stop leaving us in the dark, changing shit up, and pissing us off to the highest of pisstivity. Is that too much to ask?

Consider yourself #gloveslapped, fool!


12 Responses to “Weekly Rant – F*ck You, Facebook [Updated]”

  1. Dulce December 21, 2010 at 11:12 am #

    Yikes, bro. That’s some kinda animosity. I would like to address some of your points.

    1) Zuckerburg was not technically voted Person of the Year. Julian Assange won the popularity vote online by a landslide, but for some unknown reason, Time decided to go with the safer second place.

    2) I will never understand why the world gets so up in arms about changes to Facebook. For christ’s sake people, we live in a world where technology advances and expands each and every day. Facebook constantly has to make improvements in order to stay relevant in a society where virtually everything is done online now.

    Don’t blame Facebook because you can’t handle change. Instead, try and learn the new layout and features. I’m actually getting pretty tired of people complaining about Facebook changes and new versions. If you hate it so much, then just stop using it.

    What’s that? You can’t stop using Facebook because it has allowed you to keep in direct contact with hundreds of people you never thought you would ever be able to communicate with again and you frequently use it to get updates on your favorite brands, bands and locales and it’s also a central tool in your social media marketing? Then shut up and learn how to use it and the changes to your advantage.

    3) That image made me throw up in my mouth a little.

    -Promise I’m not in a bad mood or anything, this is just a pet peeve of mine-

    • theVar December 21, 2010 at 12:28 pm #

      Well, Dulce, you know how we do around here. The rant was funny. At least, we thought so. Btw, one good turn deserves another. May I?

      1.) Regardless of who was voted via popularity, Time Magazine made a decision. I’m not sure what this has to do with anything other than you wanting to flex your inner nerd. Prozac much?

      2.) Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaha!

      3.) If you get so, how you say,”up in arms” about people ranting over Facebook changes, why did you read the post? It’s called a mouse. And that X at top of your browser/tab, yeah, it’s the door. Click! It’s just that simple. ;)

      That picture was a nice touch, eh?! *wink, wink*

      No harm, no foul? Bless your lil’ heart. XOXO -theVar

    • theVar December 21, 2010 at 12:29 pm #

      Oh, and #gloveslap.

      • Dulce December 21, 2010 at 2:58 pm #

        Var, you know I read everything you guys write. I was curious to see what your opinions were. I have differing ones obviously.

        I can’t believe I came back here and looked at that image again.


        Ruv you!

        • theVar December 21, 2010 at 3:44 pm #

          You know you like that photo. Stop harping. Nothing but <3.

  2. ThunderReply December 21, 2010 at 1:46 pm #

    Your rant reminded me of this clip.

    • theVar December 21, 2010 at 2:07 pm #

      What can I say? I’m American, and it’s 2010.

    • Dulce December 21, 2010 at 2:51 pm #

      I want to have Louis CK’s ginger-haired, depressing babies.

  3. Grant Beery December 21, 2010 at 2:19 pm #

    Just let this song sink into your head…


    • theVar December 21, 2010 at 3:45 pm #

      Grant, I’ve been laughing at this song for the last hour and a half.

  4. michelle December 21, 2010 at 7:34 pm #

    Hi there – My first time here – well my first time commenting. Facebook and I have a love hate relationship. But generally I subscribe to the “if you don’t like it don’t use it” model.

    Mostly I just wanted to say that photo will haunt me for years.

    • theVar December 21, 2010 at 8:08 pm #

      Thanks for joining the convo, Michelle.

      That picture isn’t quite right, but it was so fitting. Agreed about not liking it and not using it, but I like it. I’m not sure why they don’t engage the consumer more before making great changes. If GAP can do it and listen, so can Facebook.

      Am I, too, far off base here?

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