Guest Post: Elopement–No Bells, No Buffet, & No Bullshit

26 Nov

Annnndddd, here we go again. What is up with you women and weddings.*gags* The 30s really do get that clock to ticking louder, eh? Being gay is so convenient. I don’t have to worry about any of the bells, buffets, or as Maria titled it, bullshit. Thank you gay-marriage haters of the United States. I salute you. (I’m also giving you the finger. Stop trampling on other people’s rights. Why can’t we all me miserable during and after matrimony.) Nonetheless, Maria has the ticket. If you’re going to fucking do it, do it in stealth. Less money. Less headache. More dubious. *wringing hands* I love dubious.

It may be fun to look at wedding porn for a few seconds, but eventually, nausea sets in and you’re ready to blow up the nearest bridal boutique. You think all you need is a dress, but then it turns into a dress, a veil, shoes, fake flowers for your hair, bouquets, bridal party attire, catering, favors for your guests, a wet bar, a 5-piece band, an exorbitant rental fee for some cheesy location and a crackpot preacher, and a giant migraine. You can get seriously ill thinking about your “perfect” traditional wedding.

Your reasons may be different from mine, but what I’ve decided is that elopement is looking pretty good. I’ve been engaged for almost 15 months now, I don’t have some giant frilly dress, I haven’t set a date, and I honestly don’t plan on doing any of that. I have a ring on my finger and a fiancée who’s willing to spontaneously tie the knot when the mood strikes.

“Planning” an Elopement

I may hate the idea of having a whiny flower girl and snot-nosed ring bearer, but that doesn’t mean I’m completely heartless – just almost. In my opinion, the courthouse isn’t the place to get hitched. I don’t want to remember the felon or the lawyer sitting next to me waiting for the judge when I recall my wedding day. You may be less of a fairy tale princess, but when it comes down to it, I don’t want to be starting my marriage with divorce candidates or unsavory characters. My fiancée and I are planning to simply pick up our marriage license from the courthouse and run off to some undisclosed location for the actual ceremony. And the best part about this is that we’re not setting a date – we’re both ready to get married, but we’re enjoying the engagement and the idea that children are only in our nightmares.

We’ve talked to our local county clerk’s office at the courthouse about how long it might take on certain days at certain times, we’ve checked out gardens and parks, and we’ve found short-notice officiants who can be persuaded to meet us and get us on our way to married life for a reasonable fee.

In our county, we have to wait 72 hours between getting our marriage license and having our ceremony, so there’s a little bit of planning ahead there. But the bulk of the planning is actually the honeymoon – the best part of the whole wedding shitstorm and the only reason people ever survive traditional ceremonies in the first place. To get everything in order, we’ll plan two weeks ahead for the honeymoon, which is still pretty spontaneous for a marriage. It’s no shotgun courthouse wedding, but it’s not the year of planning recommended by any wedding porn magazine you pick up either. It’s just enough peace of mind and flexibility for a couple of thirty rotten scoundrels.

Maria Rainier is a freelance writer and blog junkie. She is currently a resident blogger at First in Education, where recently she’s been researching different online msw degrees and blogging about student life. In her spare time, she enjoys square-foot gardening, swimming, and avoiding her laptop.


4 Responses to “Guest Post: Elopement–No Bells, No Buffet, & No Bullshit”

  1. Siouxsi November 26, 2010 at 10:01 am #

    If I were to get married again, I would totally elope. A traditional wedding is a waste of time and money. It’s not about dresses and cake and flowers….it’s about two people making a commitment to each other. That sentiment gets lost very quickly in all the other fluff.

  2. Larissa November 26, 2010 at 10:02 am #

    I love this post and I love the fact that you are making your wedding, about you and your fiancé and not a party for people you don’t know and like for that matter. I have watched many brides stress out over bullshyt and with the statistics of how marriages don’t work. I wonder if it is really worth it. I am in my last year of calling myself 30 something and I am not standing on a ledge ready to jump off because I do not see the prospect of marriage right now . At this point of my life, I realize being happy and hopeful with myself is a good place to be. Congratulations.

  3. Charli November 26, 2010 at 10:16 am #

    My favorite wedding ever was one that was planned in a day. Two of my dearest friends were planning their destination wedding in Mexico but decided that they should officially be married prior to traveling internationally, or something like that. I don’t quite remember the rationale.

    I got a phone call asking me to be the Best Whoa Man along with the Bride’s Man of Honor. We all took off to a cabin in the mountains, indulged in some libations and witnessed two amazing people express their love for each other on a moonlit lake. It was beautiful and perfect.

    I think if I ever do get married, it will be along those lines. The only reason I see to have a wedding is for my family. The good news is that my sister’s wedding is turning into quite a production so I’m sure they will be content with a cheap alternative.

    Also, I know for a fact that my mom has a large chunk of change saved for my wedding and I’m sure I can convince her to give me whatever is left over. That is of course if I do get married. I may just take it and travel the world for a few months. That sounds just as nice as a wedding in my mind.

  4. Psykome November 26, 2010 at 2:32 pm #

    Eloping sounds hella good to me since I’ve been there done that.. although I would love to plan MY wedding again since I had little say(dresses only) in the original…
    Of my family’s 3 kids; my wedding(the first)was the most traditional Church (Unitarian), both families + my birth families 200ish people..Although i was 4 months pregos and no one(g-ma especially) was to know(haha everyone knew).
    g-ma “she dosent look pregnant” in the middle of the candle ceramony.
    My younger sisters..was prego when she met her hubby(the 2nd)wedding was in Estes Park next to a creek, just core families+ sis’s best gril friend-15 people.
    My older bro’s(no kids) wedding(the last) was a Vegas trip only Mom, Dad and the happy couple..
    If I get married again..It will be what the guy wants to do as far as style/ matter what he chooses-I will have more say.

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