Pulling the plug

11 Nov

I think most of us have been there.

You’re in a relationship that was fabulous at one point, but has become lackluster. You know you’re not particularly happy in it anymore, but your lives are tangled, maybe finances are intertwined, shared living space – all the stuff that would make a break up messy and hard.

Mmmm hmmm. image courtesy of quirkyjessi

So do you stay and just hope for the best, or do you pull the plug and basically start a new life?

In my personal experiences, I’ve been through both.  I remember going half way around the world to be with a boy and it not panning out. Meh. I was young then.

Then I jumped into a relationship that lasted  8 years. There was a diamond involved, jointly-owned property, comfort, horrible treatment towards each other, dysfunction that I can’t even describe here. And I would have stayed with him forever had he not pulled the plug.

Neither one of us were happy. I was too dumb to leave, he was too “nice” to leave. Thank goodness he cheated. That way I was ready to stay gone when we broke up. Oooo and there were some awkward and somewhat hilarious moments post-break up when we were still living together and trying to untangle our lives.  I have to just look back and laugh at this point.

And there’s the epic tale of my wedding that wasn’t. December 30th I woke up to Queen’s “Under Pressure” and said out loud, “Fuck it. I’m not getting married.”  To this day, I look at that and cognitively realize that pulling the plug was the best decision I’ve ever made.  That shit was messy as hell, but messes clean up.  Again, I can look at that relationship and see the dysfunction and lawdy, I’m so glad I was old enough and wise enough (thanks to past failed relationships) to say no to it all.

If that bad relationship hadn’t ended, then I wouldn’t have found myself in one that is good and functional and balls out awesome.

Now, none of this is to judge anyone not ready to leave their relationship.  I get staying in a big way. There are times when we’re just not ready for some things. That said, when you are ready, you need to know that thing will be okay on the other side of the relationship. Hard for a while, yes. Messy, maybe. Weird, and how! But eventually okay, and even better when you are ready to move on.

Now, I think it’s only right that our TTTM resident commitment-phobe weigh in. Var, what’s your take on this?

theVar: This one’s easy for me. Just yank the fucking band-aid off. I refuse to be in a relationship that doesn’t work for me. Which is why I’m single. That, and other reasons. Thanks for bringing me off my no-office-employment high with this shit, Sport. Nonetheless, I think finances and sharing living space is just an excuse. The best way to avoid having the excuse is to not get into the situations with significant others. Stop moving in together so fast. Don’t be so quick to open joint accounts. Hell, don’t even give out house keys. Why do they need to be at your place when you aren’t home? To snoop? Which will lead to so many more issues. I don’t see the rush.

If you have yours and the other has theirs, there is no need to put yourselves in compromising situations. I’m not saying I’m above situations such as this. I’ve gone there a time or two, but for God’s sake, people, we are in our 30s. Buck the fuck up, and get off the fence. Make the tough decision and get your life moving. Don’t let the hassles of a break up or the longing to break up hold you back.

Besides, why be tied down when there is so much fun to be had with so many people. So many peepees and hooter-nooters to explore. All shapes, sizes, and colors. Lawd, I just got a vision of a large hooter-nooter. *shudders*


14 Responses to “Pulling the plug”

  1. Dulce November 11, 2010 at 12:08 pm #

    I tend to stay in those messy, messy relationships for far too long because, well, for one, I’m loyal to a fault, but two, I tend to tell myself it’s a phase and that relationships take work. Which they do, but you know, when you stop wanting be around that person and start finding time to be anywhere(including the gym) but within a 20 foot radius of them, it’s probably time to call it quits. I dunno, in my 30s, I’m finding out a lot about the horrible things I subject myself to in a relationship and trying to correct those behaviors.

    • Sport November 11, 2010 at 12:13 pm #

      This is so true! And you mentioned something I had to fight so hard. Loyalty. I had to decide that I was worth more in my own life than my misguided sense of loyalty to someone else. Sticking by some d-bag instead of being loyal to myself? Never again.

  2. Jennifer Hens November 11, 2010 at 12:12 pm #

    I agree with handsome theVar – the best decision I ever made was to rip the band-aid off my marriage. I waited it out two weeks or so to “get through the holidays”, but really to map out my plan of attack in comfort. The facts were simple – we weren’t compatible, and I was given the “caught cheating” trigger. It hurt for awhile, but I’m much, much better. You have to realize that you deserve to be blissfully, stupidly happy. Or at least I did.

    • Sport November 11, 2010 at 12:16 pm #

      Absolutely! And like you said it sometimes takes that plan of attack and a trigger to make it easier. You know, it’s all part of our growing process to “try on” different partners. It’s unfortunate when the split is nasty, but shit happens.

      Cheers to delirious happiness for us all!

  3. TheBoo November 11, 2010 at 12:48 pm #

    Here here to the Band-Aid. Otherwise you end up getting broken up with on Christmas instead of two weeks before Christmas when the two of you first knew it wasn’t going to work out.

    A Christmas recovering from a breakup is better than a breakup on Christmas day.

    • theVar November 15, 2010 at 9:19 am #

      *high five* I like the way you think.

  4. dtpennington November 11, 2010 at 1:15 pm #

    “Hooter-nooter” sounds like a Dr. Seuss invention.

    • Sport November 11, 2010 at 1:17 pm #

      Actually, I need to credit that to @elizdenton. She’s brilliant!

  5. Sethro November 11, 2010 at 10:19 pm #

    Pulling the plug indeed. I pulled the plug on a relationship a couple of years ago because I just wasn’t that “in” to the girl. I didn’t love her the way she loved me. I thought that wasn’t fair, so I ended it. Thinking back though, I am not sure if that was the right thing to do or not. I mean, can you grow to love someone? She was really great. She was sweet, mature, gorgeous, great with my kids, tolerated me (I mean that’s a marry-worthy quality right there) and my shenanigans, and was really just an awesome person. But I am SO FUCKED UP in my head, that this shit bored me. I wasn’t in love with her the way I should have been.

    So I pulled the plug on that, and then met a girl at work. I took some morphine and some MDMA one night at The Church in Denver, and the next thing I knew I woke up in some child’s bedroom underneath Tinkerbell sheets with the aforementioned (naked) girl from work. And we turned that into a three year failed relationship.

    • theVar November 15, 2010 at 9:20 am #

      1 thing: Never date people you work with. That is all.

  6. Keyra November 12, 2010 at 2:54 pm #

    I wonder if situations like “pulling the plug” should exist in relationships where nothing is wrong. And this is my dilemma: I understand ripping the band aid, a perspective learned from my BFF. However my “boyfriend who is on a break with me but can’t say he’s on a break because he doesn’t know” apparently needs space…or whatever. And has thoroughly thought about the decision to move out of our house. Now off and on for 6 1/2 years, with 1 move out break up under our belts, he needs a moment in his own head, to understand if I’m what he wants, although he tells me I’m perfect for him and exactly what he wants. Everything for the last 2 years since we’ve been back together, was just fine. And the conversation of “forever” didn’t start until September. But I don’t get it. What is this, good on paper bad in life? So in a situation where pulling the plug seems useful, what about when the leaver can’t decide what the situation is and the leavee is happy and willing to give them the space?

    • theVar November 15, 2010 at 9:25 am #

      Something is going on here, and the first thing I’m inclined to say is the lack of communication. If he can’t articulate his feelings to you after 6 1/2 years, then you two should see a therapist together.

      I don’t agree with this whole space crap. When I hear that, I always think a break-up is looming on the horizon. Be warned: I’m jaded and cynical when it comes to love. Nonetheless, I’m a rational human being. If you’re in limbo and using words like ‘apparently’ and ‘whatever’ when talking about your relationship, it is clear to me that there is a gap in communication somewhere.

      I wish you all the luck.

  7. Ron Tedwater November 12, 2010 at 8:21 pm #

    Great work keep it coming


  1. This Week in Bitchery | The Bitch Blog - November 13, 2010

    […] In some relationships, there comes a time when it’s not working and you just have to say no more. Talk Thirty to Me explores that in last week’s Pulling the Plug. […]

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