Guest Post: A day in the life- shut off that fucking alarm, and where did this peanut butter come from?

20 Oct

Raw! After reading this, that was the first word that came to mind. I love the Talk Thirty To Me community because of posts like this—when we all get to peep into the private and intimate moments of other Scoundrels’ lives. However, I could do without the 7:15am mention. vaguelycool, thanks for your open, way informative, and give-me-a-laugh post. I don’t envy you. Nonetheless, I’m sure we have some mommies, wives, and all around, up-to-their necks women out there that are definitely relating to you right now. Happy reading, Scoundrels.

This was written at a stoplight.

I have no GD time. I have literally composed, edited and submitted this piece at stoplights from Denver to DTC over the last two weeks. I’m a working mother of two rascals and I have not one minute to myself in a day. I used to shop at Banana Republic between appointments during the week, swan into wine bars at 5pm and entertain clients/friends until the wee hours. I had time to read magazines, get pedicures and go on dates with my husband, and then things changed. For the better definitely, but time just…disappeared.

Here’s what my day looks like. Mind you, this is just an average weekday, not inclu

ding special events, friends/family in town or heaven forbid, a date with my husband. Just a regular day.

My day starts at 12.01am. I have been asleep for about an hour with any luck.

3:30am – feed infant son, burp him, change his little pants, settle him back to sleep

Oh, the joys of doing it all. Image courtsey of parmeter.net

4:15am – “pump my bosoms” as my 2yr old says

4:30am – go back to sleep

5:30am – husband’s stupid alarm goes off

5:40am – husband’s stupid alarm goes off

5:50 am – husband’s GODDAMNED stupid alarm goes off

6:00am – (GETTHEFUCKOUTOFBEDYOUMOTHERFUCKER) husband’s stupid alarm is turned off, husband gets out of bed

6:30am – a) infant son wakes and cries or b)2yr old daughter wakes and begins the “MUUMMYYY” deal

7:00am – nanny arrives (thank GOD)

7:15am – “pump my bosoms” and eat something – usually simultaneously

8:30am – or sometimes 9:00am – I arrive at my office

9:15am – usually discover snot, sick, yogurt or peanut butter on my suit

9:30am – 5:00pm – various meetings, lunches, pointless paper bullshit, fun client meetings and other money making duties – will typically drive about 60miles throughout the day – smile on face – pump my bosoms at 10:00am and 2:00pm – usually in a toilet stall or in my car in a parking lot

6:00pm – battle traffic home unless there is a client drinkies (here’s hoping) at a downtown wine bar

6:15 – get smothered by kisses from 2yr old, bowled over by hairy dog, receive download from nanny (learn of everyone’s poops, including graphic descriptions, and timeouts of the day, among other things)

6:45pm – complete reading an average of 6 bedtime stories, brush dolly’s hair, change a few diapers, feed dog, unpack bosom pumping bag, pump bosoms, get dinner going

8:00pm – sit down to dinner with husband. Inhale two glasses of wine (compulsory) – watch news

9:00pm – start the two hour process of going to bed – finish emails, put laundry away, pump my bosoms, husband feeds infant son

10:30pm – get into bed, attempt to read 2 pages of book (usually same 2 pages I read the night prior as I can’t remember what the book is about). Husband feeds infant son.

3:30am – get up to pump my bosoms – email TheVar about how I should write a story about how little fucking time I have…….and every single day I marvel at how lucky I am to have such a wonderful life. I’m not kidding.

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8 Responses to “Guest Post: A day in the life- shut off that fucking alarm, and where did this peanut butter come from?”

  1. Sport October 20, 2010 at 11:31 am #

    Holy mountains of shit! vaguelycool, thank you so much for sharing this with the TTTM community. I hope we hear more from you about how you’re juggling family, career and everything else that comes along. And thanks for reminding us all that just because you’re a mommy, doesn’t me you won’t drop an “f” bomb!

    You. Are. Sorta. My. Hero. *bows*

    -Sport

  2. Angie October 20, 2010 at 1:01 pm #

    gasps of fear and spurts of laughter through this entire post. makes me excited and scared of motherhood/full-time jobs/being a wife all at the same time.

    what would life be is was boring?

  3. Toxic T October 20, 2010 at 1:51 pm #

    I LOVE THIS…is it bad that I was actually pumping while reading this or is it just fucking awesome?

    • theVar October 20, 2010 at 2:30 pm #

      For a non-baby person soon to be the uncle of Sport’s lil STBTP, it makes me a tad bit queasy. To think I’ll be experiencing this when she shits him/her out. *shudders*

  4. D October 20, 2010 at 4:03 pm #

    Boy do I hear ya sister. Side note *I* am reading this at the stop lights between dtc and cherry Cre…..SHUT UP GUY THAT JUST HONKED AT ME TO GO. THIS IS THE ONLY THIRTY SECONDS I’VE HAD ALL DAY. IM GOING SO YOU CAN TAKE YOUR NEVER-SQUEEZED-OUT-A-HUMAN D#%C AND GO ABOUT YOUR EASY BREEZY LIFE…ek. Great post.

  5. vaguelycool October 20, 2010 at 9:36 pm #

    TheVar – babies don’t come out of a womans anus – stop saying “shits-out-a-kid” or I’ll fuck you up in my sleep deprived haze.

    Sport (you are one of my TTTM heroes btw) believe me, the F bomb features readily whence (89% sure I’m using that word correctly) a mother. Come prepared. And don’t worry, despite what Var tells you, the baby will not come out of yer pooper!

  6. Johne133 September 20, 2014 at 2:52 am #

    There is visibly a bunch to realize about this. I consider you made various good points in features also. gegdaadfagee

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Guest Post: Older and wiser? « Talk Thirty To Me - January 5, 2011

    […] all remember our girl vaguelycool? Well she’s back at it giving us a glimpse into the world and wisdom of a super busy, super […]

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