Guest Post: Mmmm hmmm, I’m talking to you, married men

7 Oct

Our Guest Post today comes from Michelle Fox. And woo boy is she putting some of you on blast! As we get older we find ourselves constantly trying to marry (no pun intended, I swear) our former selves with our current identities. Sometimes, it’s a huge #FAIL. Michelle explores one of those very cases. Now, we all hope we don’t have this guy at home, and if we do, he’s about to be in the doghouse. Take it away, Michelle…

Married men who hang out at bars:  consider yourselves on notice!

I chose to celebrate the completion of some major projects at a few different venues this past weekend.  I had true experiences of fun, freedom, and release.  I met some local and national celebrities, I enjoyed a Les Nubian concert, and I made a few new friends.  What has stuck in my craw for the last two days is the energy I’ve been receiving from married men.

I promise not to get on my high horse, but if you’re going to be married, then be married.  Hanging out at a bar with friends is totally acceptable.  Hanging out at such establishments, with your left hand in your pocket while buying drinks for us single ladies is questionable.  Don’t even get me started on the bachelor that wants to come back to my place for one last night of fun.  Really??

I chose the single life for a number of reasons, but one of them includes the benefit of flirting and playing around with different people.  Again, totally OK to do the same when you’re married, but not OK if you are hitting on me with the hopes of furthering our relationship.
I ran into a co-worker from the past at a downtown establishment on Friday night.  He had two other friends with him.  One friend and I hit it off particularly well, until a bell began to chime in my head.  “Let me see your hand,” I asked.  He looked at me like a deer in the headlight.  Our mutual friend asked me how I knew he was married.  I told him the left hand in the pocket got my attention.  Not OK!

So that scene played itself out to my left.  On my right side my girlfriends had began a “party” with two other men.  Drinks were flowing thanks to the generosity of these male beings.  As I began to ask a few questions, it hit me that the more boisterous of the two was married to a former stylist of mine.  The mood quickly changed once he realized that I knew his wife.  Once again, really??

The last story I’ll share includes a “thank you God” for Facebook.  I attended a wonderful networking event where business cards were exchanged with a number of motivated people.  One of these people happens to be a married man, but I would not be able to tell by the way our conversation flowed, the absent wedding ring, and the inquisitive follow-up email I received.  Sure enough, a few clicks through the Internet produced photos of his children along with a relationship status of married.

The validation one receives from the attention of others can be seductive.  I get it!  I also get the commitment to living authentically.  This is my path, and if you are reading these words, I am guessing it is yours too.  I have no personal judgments on rules that each couple shares for their relationship.  I do have judgment about bringing in a third party without full disclosure.  I am clear that I do not tango with married men.  There are plenty of authentically single men to consider.

So married men, and soon-to-be married men, consider yourselves on notice!  I don’t think my voice on this one is going to get any quieter.

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5 Responses to “Guest Post: Mmmm hmmm, I’m talking to you, married men”

  1. Charli October 7, 2010 at 10:32 am #

    In general, I’m not terribly concerned with the actions or intentions of married men mostly because I’m fairly naive and assume most men are just flirting, whether they are attached or not. Also, I’m not that quick on the uptake when someone is trying to take me home. So unless the man makes some seriously bold move, I’m going home alone.

    “I also get the commitment to living authentically.”

    However the statement about living authentically hit me hard. I’m on this personal journey to figure out a lot about myself from religion to sexuality to my career. There are constants in my life that I’m questioning and it’s all in an attempt to live as authentically as I can.

    I’ve lived so much of my life for other people trying to be what they thought was correct. Today I am choosing to be a single, independent woman who is open to sharing my life with someone but doesn’t need that to feel complete. So thanks for naming the goal I’m working toward.

    Back to married men… Even though I’m a bit slow in figuring out someone is into me, I am fairly quick at figuring out when someone is attached. If an attached man is buying me drinks, you better believe I’m drinking them. Mostly because I know he’s not getting any and if he does make that bold move, I know my personal moral and ethical standards. Even when I’m toasted, I’ll still going to say no to an attached man. Plus, I don’t feel like I owe attached men anything when they are buying my drinks. Of course I shouldn’t feel like I owe anything to unattached men, but that goes back to the whole trying to please other people thing. I’m working on it.

    • Michelle Fox October 7, 2010 at 12:35 pm #

      I love your transparency Charli! That is one huge step towards living authentically. I agree that you don’t owe anyone anything after they generously buy your drinks. I do want to be aware of the intent in the gift though.

      Be gentle with yourself re: the people pleasing thing. That is one of my challenges as well and I have seen that the more I talk and write about it, the stronger I have become. All my love!

  2. botheredpocket October 7, 2010 at 5:22 pm #

    Wowser. I had this a couple of years ago when I was single and looking, going through the online route as even attempting to talk to someone in London immediately earns you the ‘insane’ tag. She was a gorgeous curvy 30-something, fairly local, had two children but not babies which was OK by me. She actually suggested we meet, then stood me up at short notice, we rearranged, again stood up. She disappeared offline for a while and we hadn’t shared phone numbers yet. After a few weeks she came back, I gave her a bit of time then asked if everything was OK, she said something about family matter and had to go away for a while. For some reason it hit me at that point to search for her on Facebook as I had her name from her email address. Yep, you guessed it, open profile, married for ages. And actually 6 years younger than she said she was (31/25). I put it down to her being an attention seeker and moved on.
    Talking for myself, I’m actually quite jokey and flirtatious in a social setting, whether I’m attached or not. That doesn’t mean to say I’m outrageously inviting someone to get it on, but it can occasionally cause jealousy. On my daily train commute, I’ve also often had girls making eye contact and smiling and giving all the “come and talk to me” signs, many of them are wearing sparklers, so it’s not just the men that are at it. It’s in my personality to be flirtatious, but not overtly giving the heavy come-on, that’s how I am, but when I was married I was never a ring-hider and never followed up my flirting. That’s unforgivable.

    • botheredpocket October 7, 2010 at 5:34 pm #

      Just to clarify, I don’t go to bars and buy girls drinks and whatnot. That’s not what I mean by flirting, I just mean chatting, smiling and being friendly. We’re a bit uptight in the ol’ U of K.

      • Michelle Fox October 8, 2010 at 4:27 pm #

        Thanks for your perspective bp! I’m a flirt myself, so I can appreciate a fellow playmate. I think we’re both on the same page that as long as there is transparency it’s all good. I just have a low tolerance for dishonesty. I’m sorry your online lady chose to be less than truthful. I am clear that it happens to both men and women. Thanks for your comment!

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