theVar’s Weekly Rant: Waking up on the wrong side of the bed.

29 Sep

image courtesy of

Yeah. Shit's rough!

Mornings can be deceiving sometimes. Today I woke up, got dressed…made a little breakfast. The birds were singing. You know what I mean: all was right as rain.

And then the fucking switch flipped, and I became AssasinVar. Seriously, why do people want to call your motherfucking phone before 10am (Sorry, about putting you on blast, buddy)? What on god’s green earth could there be to talk about. Look, when I pick up the phone that early, I expect there to be some blood gushing out of the side of your goddamn head shit going on, and you need me. Or…or, your sonofabitch boss just gave you the pink slip, and you need a drinking buddy for the day so we can plot how to destroy that bastard and reclaim your dignity.

Scoundrels, I’ll be honest. I’m not that violent by nature. Yeah, I joke about it. Yeah, I get a little “black” sometimes, but I’m all Namaste and shit. Really, I am. Ohhhhh, you should have seen me skipping-to-the-loo this morning while walking Soda. We were on top of the motherfucking world. I see the headlines, “A Boy and His Dog: the gayest thing ever.” Does that sound like a violent person to you? I think not.

Yet, in this moment I want to take some hog testicles, newts toe, fig leaf, blood of a one-legged giraffe, and do some ole’ funky shit, voodoo style. Pick some unsuspecting fool and make them miserable.  Wow! That statement even scared me…but whatever. It feels good just to think it.

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and the other side wasn’t even cool. Just. Fucking. Dandy. And for those of you that think you’re above this rant, then you are just the cheeriest sonsofbitches on this planet then aren’tcha? Dramatic much? Yes! Yes, I am. Sue me.

OMG, Scoundrels, is this what I have to look forward to as my 30s progress?


14 Responses to “theVar’s Weekly Rant: Waking up on the wrong side of the bed.”

  1. lorrie September 29, 2010 at 11:21 am #

    welcome to my daily life. i don’t HAVE a right side of the bed.

    • theVar September 29, 2010 at 8:54 pm #

      Oh no, Lorrie. That’s no bueno. I usually do; however, this morning was trying.

  2. Becky September 29, 2010 at 11:45 am #

    Fuck that, LeVar…
    This has nothing to do with being in your thirties!

    It has everything to do with being human!
    All it takes is one word in jest, a hand gesture from the car that cut you off, or the fact that you stubbed the same toe twice.
    Shit can fall apart just when you think everything is solid and easy peasy.

    Sometimes I think it’s harder, in your thirties, to feel like you have the energy, tolerance, or good will to put up with the hand you’re dealt on a Wednesday morning.

    What I do know? You’re a fucking classy dude with enough sense to hit the switch when you really have to finesse and tuck away the tendency to cut fuckers.

    In the meantime, I wish I could get a little “black” and I’m gonna need your voodoo recipe!


    • theVar September 29, 2010 at 8:55 pm #

      Your are always just what a guy needs, Becky. ;) I’ll help you get your “black” on and get you that recipe. Who are you gunning for?

  3. Charli September 29, 2010 at 11:51 am #

    I don’t do cheery people in the mornings. I dated a guy who jumped out of bed in the morning and started bouncing off the walls. It was frikking ridiculous! I felt like I was suddenly trapped in a room with a toddler who was demanding attention. If he had given me just 20 minutes to wake up before he started talking about me making him breakfast, the relationship may have ended differently.

    • theVar September 29, 2010 at 8:58 pm #

      Charli, I feel bad for that poor schmuck. He couldn’t figure it out. I generally wake up ready for the world, but never with too much energy. I like to ease into my groove. Ya know?

  4. Amy September 29, 2010 at 12:12 pm #

    This made me happy. And made me feels less cranky.

    Heart your face dude.

    • theVar September 29, 2010 at 9:00 pm #

      I heart you face, too, Amy. Glad I could give you a little happiness today. Wait, does that mean you revelled in my misery? Hmmmmm.

  5. Shureka September 29, 2010 at 3:07 pm #

    Oh for heavens sake it was 10am. Early in the morning, I ‘m all with the rant. I personally need moments to myself- preferably long quiet moments but 10am… Someone needs a hug!!!

    • theVar September 29, 2010 at 9:00 pm #

      I need more than a hug, Shureka.

      • Shureka October 1, 2010 at 4:28 am #

        Lol@ The Var – send me a needs list, (PG please) and I’ll get right on that!

  6. Just Jane September 29, 2010 at 4:32 pm #

    Sounds like me on PMS days *laughing*.

    But seriously? What Becky said is right. The wrong-side-o’-the-bed syndrome isn’t unique to the 30’s. What is unique starting in your 30’s is figuring out that the tantrum you want to have…are having inside your head…is horribly unattractive the older you get. And so you learn how to just have it in your head and be done with it.

    • theVar September 29, 2010 at 9:03 pm #

      Noted. *sigh* What would we (mostly I) do without you Scoundrels? Thanks for the solid, Just Jane.

  7. D.T. Pennington September 29, 2010 at 11:37 pm #

    I have a personal and long standing vendetta against mornings. I don’t like them, at all. I hate waking up. And when I am up before 12, I don’t do dick until I feel like it.

    If you need to get ahold of me, you know when I’m at my best. Between 10 PM and 6 AM (morning hours, technically, but ones I can manage).

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: