Dirty Thirty: Choking the Chicken

9 Aug

By theVar
Blogger of StraightenMyTie

When I woke up this morning, guess what the first order of business was. Did morning wood come to mind? Ding, ding, ding. If that makes you uncomfortable, then suck it!

The fact of the matter is masturbation is natural, and men do it frequently. Yeah, yeah. You all know this, but did you know there are various techniques to beating the meat. From the cold climax and palm rubber to the ball holder and gentle tap, masturbation can be as dynamic as you want it to be.

People like to say that using the left hands feels like someone else. They are a LIE. I’m right-handed and using my left hand just feels like what it is–retarded. (Rumor has it, there’s a reader that learned how to how to yank it ambidextrously. Now that’s talent. All hail that two-fisting bastard.) So for all of you that like to shine the helmet, I’ve come up with a new technique to end the shelf-life of this left-handed nonsense: the Thumb Knob Wrestler. This is mostly for righties, but it’ll work with your brain-disconnected left hand. I’ve tried it. Urr, what? Anyhoo, first you get which ever hand lubed up, mostly concentrating on the thumb and forefinger. Wrap your fingers around the shaft with the forefinger resting at the base of the glans (head). Take your thumb, as if thumb wrestling another opponent and rub it in an upward motion against the tip, following through the motion, pulling back the thumb once past the tip, and repeating.  Guys, we all know the tip is the most sensitive. You with me. Quick and easy orgasm. The best way to get off on the fly. Especially, when you’re in a hurry and just gotta bust a nut. There ya have it. The Thumb Knob Wrestler.

Whether you call it yanking the crank, rubbing one out, riding the great white knuckler, or my personal favorite, milking the Alabama Black Snake, get ‘er done. And get ‘er done with style. Do any of you have any techniques you think the rest of us could benefit from when romancing the bone?

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7 Responses to “Dirty Thirty: Choking the Chicken”

  1. Dustinvan August 9, 2010 at 8:19 am #

    One thing I’ve learned in the past few years is that although there’s the need to get things done quick and easy most of the time, it’s always more fun to rub one out with a friend. Either on the phone, over a steamy IM conversation or right there in the room. Ah, technology. With it comes one of my favorite inventions (no pun): the webcam. If you haven’t tried mutual masturbation over the net, you’re missing out. Seriously. You know you have a crush on someone in another town, or another country. Give it a try. You might be (pleasantly) surprised. :)
    ~D

    • five_three August 9, 2010 at 8:33 am #

      Capital advice, ‘Var! I know what I’m doing on my lunch break today.

      • theVar August 9, 2010 at 11:00 am #

        five-three, make sure you have clean-up materials. I hear a lunch break mess coming on.

    • theVar August 9, 2010 at 10:58 am #

      Mutual masturbation (M-Squared). I’m still kind of apprehensive about the awkwardness of the webcam, but I’m picking up what you’re throwing down, Dustinvan. What the hell. I have a long-distance call to make today. Bow chicka wow wow.

  2. J~J~Bad August 9, 2010 at 5:33 pm #

    Like always LeVar you have inspired me!

    • theVar August 9, 2010 at 5:38 pm #

      J~J~Bad, I’m glad I can be inspiration. Go forth and ejaculate, my friend.

  3. Mike August 20, 2010 at 11:41 pm #

    M-Squared? Who the hell wants to risk having some video of them self jacking off in front of their computer floating around the web? What… do you think this will make you a Kardashian?

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