The Dry Spell

1 Jun

This is the kind of shit the 30’s are made of—alcohol, the lack of, cautionary tales, and the list goes on. We chose to post this today because as of June 1st, 2010 Ryan M. has been sober for 4 years. Congratulations, Ryan, and we wish you many more years of sobriety. If you like this post, you can check out more of Ryan M’s musings over at Diamond Studded Cougar.

So I don’t drink.

At the age of 30, I gave myself the gift of sobriety so that I could live my life with open eyes and maturity. There would be no filter of alcohol on my eThe Dry Spellxperiences.

That’s a beautiful statement, and it would be great if it went down like that. But no, I quit drinking 4 years ago because I started drinking vodka in supermarket bathrooms and was barfing all the time. A note for the youngsters: a good booze habit makes your esophagus feel like you just ate a bag of flour. This, coincidentally, is something I tried to do one time when I was hammered.

Also, I was married, had a job and a house. I didn’t want to become some cautionary tale to my extended family: “Turns out Ryan pooped on his boss’s desk, then went home and burned the house down after trying to make a grilled cheese in the dryer.”

As of June 1, 2006, I haven’t had a drink.

Oh, and I got a divorce last year.

The split had nothing to do with the years of drinking. The ex and I are still friends, it just didn’t work out. I’m in a small apartment and am constantly running out of money.

In other words…form a line, single ladies! You just hit the jackpot because a broke divorced dude who is a recovering alcoholic is on the market!

Now, I’ve dated a few women since my separation and divorce. The non-drinking thing hasn’t been an issue with them. Sure, there have been some ladies I tried to get to know who kept asking me “So, you REALLY don’t drink?” when what they meant was “So, you REALLY are a snoozefest?”

That’s okay. ‘Cause I’m a fuckin’ HOOT. I do comedy. I can go out to bars and clubs. I quit alcohol cold turkey, so I’m not always at a meeting.

Still, when I realized that I’d have to go on dates without access to booze (or as I call it, “Charm Potion” or “Drinkable Sensuality”), I panicked a bit. You mean, at 34 years old, I have to get to know people without glorious drunken optimism?

It’s the kind of happy, deluded state of mind where you see warning signs in a potential mate, disregard them, have some more shots and then French in the parking lot. That stuff is kind of fun, and it’s a bit of a drag to not be able to make horrible decisions with another person that you can later blame on being hammered, depending on how things go.

Maybe the alcohol had less to do with my mistakes than I thought. Maybe I just feel awkward because just four years ago, I had no idea that I’d be single now. But that’s what’s happening and I don’t want my next relationship to be about barf and flour.

So I don’t drink.

–Ryan M.

Image courtesy of Ryan King.


4 Responses to “The Dry Spell”

  1. Jason Metter June 1, 2010 at 11:50 am #

    I’ve been married for 8 years, sober for 15. In the early years of my sobriety, I dated women who were put off by my stodgy teetotaling. (They easily outnumbered those who were previously put off by my insane excess.) Ultimately I found that type of response just made it easy to move on to someone who would accept all of me and with whom I would be more deeply compatible.

    • Ryan June 1, 2010 at 11:06 pm #

      I try to be upfront about it from the get-go, and you’re right…it does separate the compatible from the incompatible. I met one person online who was very cool about it, but said that her current lifestyle involves alcohol and she’d be more comfortable with someone who drank. That was refreshing–no recurring questions to see if I’m pulling her leg, just an honest appraisal of her life and an acknowledgment of the facts.

      Little did she know that my current lifestyle involves the smuggling of blood diamonds by surgically implanting them into drugged strangers who will soon wake up on a prop plane to Key West, chock full of diamonds in their abdomen.

      See? We both dodged a bullet there.

  2. Amelia X June 5, 2010 at 1:42 pm #

    Love this piece more than my luggage. Insightful, poignant, witty, and with a strange combination of arrogance and self-deprecation that just doesn’t have a term for it yet but ought to.

    Ladies, indeed, form an orderly queue. You won’t regret it.




  1. Our Most Gracious Thank You « - June 18, 2010

    […] Yes, yes, yes, and yes. I’m still in awe over Ryan and his commitment to not drinking. Oh, and we will definitely never forget about Party Girl. Can I just live in her shoes for a week […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: