Ask Captain Falcon Punch!

20 May

Dear CFP,

How come the closer I get to 30 the more I dress like a colorblind republican? What can I do to refresh my wardrobe in a more age-appropriate and less “homeless soccer mom” kind of way?

Sincerely,

WTF am I going to wear

Dear WTF am I going to wear,

Check this shit out… wear whatever the fuck you want. What? Were you expecting some kind of magical answer? Nobody gives a fuck what you wear… especially when you’re thirty. Your youthful vitality stops at 30 because your built in “Fuck It” meter kicks into high gear and stomps on it like a roach in a tap dancing contest. Does that answer your question? Thanks for writing in!

– CFP

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